COLUMN: Rounding Third …


I really hope you have a sense of humor when you read this one.

Death and obituaries are not something we older folk like to dwell on, but we really do have to find humor in almost everything at this age or we’ll worry ourselves to d…. (not saying it again).

Anyway, I have become aware, from my perspective, that most of the obits today seem to say pretty much the same things. Good father (for a man), wonderful husband, friend to everybody, no enemies, successful earner and he loved his dog (or cat). I think it’s great that we remember people that way. But they are certainly not biographies.

Wow. I’ve known some ... well, never mind. I just remembered the old adage “never speak ill of the dead.” Maybe I should have left this one alone, but, as I’ve said before, you can’t just walk a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head and that will freak you out.

So, I did broach the topic. Try to see the humor in the poem that I do. It’s called Obits Fits.

Did you ever notice that when we die we all become angels — now, would I lie?

The very worst and the very best get thrown together with all the rest.

We have diff’rent lives, make diff’rent choices and say diff’rent things with our voices,

We all become what we do and say, and then comes the end and we go away.

They write each story and it gives people fits cause we all look the same in our obits.

Have you ever read about someone’s life where it said he was a rat and beat his wife;

He stole from the poor, showed his kids neglect, and was so darn bent he couldn’t stand erect?

Nobody ever sounds that hollow cause there’s a format that they follow.

The truth is we’re part good and bad but telling the latter makes people sad,

So, they take some leeway with our story and hope it paves our way to glory.

Most of us mellow as we get older as the fire in our hearts and loins gets colder.

We try to forget we’ve broken some rules and hope the mem’ries of others cools.

We all look innocent when we’re 80y but our background might be degenerate(y).

Now as the end gets a little bit nearer, I can see that I’ve been a little clearer.

What I see doesn’t make me sad, cause I think I’ve been more good than bad.

But it might be nice if I could see what kind of stuff they’ll write about me.

I’d like to think when I look down what’s in my obit won’t make me frown.

But, if they pour it all from my cup I might spend eternity looking up. JDF

Joke: Melvin sat at the breakfast table reading the morning paper. He came across the story of a beautiful actress who married a football player known for his lack of IQ and common sense. He looked at his wife and said, “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives. “His wife looked up and answered, “Why, thank you dear!”

Notes from History: JFK hosted a dinner at the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at the time. He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” (Times change — now people vilify him and keep messing with his advice for the betterment of this nation. He wrote the Declaration of Independence and assisted Madison on the Constitution. We call it revisionism).

Molly Hays aided her soldier husband in the Battle of Monmouth (Revolutionary War). She brought them pitchers of water during the fighting. That’s where she became known as “Molly Pitcher.” But, she also picked up her husband’s rammer when he was wounded and continued to fire the cannon. She wasn’t wounded but a later report said a cannon ball passed through her legs doing no other damage except removing the lower part of her petticoat.

Local: Augie’s Diner was down in Whitesboro (circa 50’s) where the building still stands today unoccupied (it was Bev’s). He cashed you out at the door. Nearby, he had cigars and the sign said: Ten cents each or two for a quarter. He claimed a lot of people opted for the latter.

Favorite one-liners: You only get old when you out live your enthusiasm.

We try so hard to be tactful that sometimes we lose contact.

A society of sheep will eventually get a government of wolves (too late).

The kids text plz because it’s shorter than please. I text back no because it’s shorter that yes.

I wish I had a 90 year-old’s wisdom, a 20 year-old’s body and a three-year-old’s energy.

On that note, it’s bye-bye for another week. JDF


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